I think I’m having a mid-life crisis

I sat at my kitchen table today and looked off into my backyard.

It took a lot of strength to look back at my mother. Over the past year, she has seen me go through every imaginable up and down. She’s watched me have panic attacks, drop out of graduate school and cry a lot. I really do cry a lot.

But my mom has also seen something else.

She’s seen me pick myself pack up each and every time and find something else. Another idea. A different option. All to come to the same conclusion.

“I don’t think this is what I want, Mom”.

“That’s okay. You’ll find it”.

Things have been a constant battle

And I wrestle with two very distinctive ideas. When it comes to making a decision about the next step in my life, why am I backing out so much? So far I’ve had two competing ideas.

  1. I’m just scared. The nerves have taken over and I should simply bring myself outside of my comfort zone.
  2. This isn’t what I actually want. It doesn’t feel right. It’s not my passion and I want something a little bit more out of life.

I read a lot and one of the biggest pieces of advice I see goes along these lines:

“If you’re interested, you come up with stories, excuses, reasons, and circumstances about why you can’t or why you won’t. If you’re committed, those go out the window. You just do whatever it takes.”John Assaraf

It helped me come to a conclusion (I think)

Fear is a very normal thing.

We all get it. I’ve experienced it many times. New jobs and adventures have all made me nervous in some way.

But when I felt absolutely, without a doubt, 100% sure about something, this fear never got in the way. I jumped in without hesitation and overcame any obstacle.

After all

If it isn’t a hell yes, it’s a hell no.

I’m ready to say hell yes again. But in order to do that, I have to be 100% honest about who I am and what I want.

Time to find that hell yes.

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